Florida's lawmakers have passed laws requiring welfare recipients and state workers to take drug tests. The only state workers exempt from having to take these tests are, you guessed it, the lawmakers themselves. The Bat Party decided to take investigative steps to right this glaring inconsistency. We sent one of our investigative reporters to the Florida Capitol Building to see if we could get urine samples from the lawmakers.
Our investigator went early in the morning, before our representatives reported for work, to the state capitol. He then made an inspection of the bathroom located outside the Republican member's meeting chambers. He found the toilets to be clean, and the soap dispenser full.
Throughout the day our investigator observed many Republican lawmakers enter and exit this bathroom. Even our governor Rick Scott was witnessed entering the facilities. It was at the end of the day that our investigator embarked on the next phase of his investigation. He again entered the bathroom and found the toilets to be unflushed. The inability of the Republicans to flush the commode worked to our advantage as the investigator was able to obtain samples for drug testing. Also, the soap dispenser was still full so they are also too lazy to wash their hands.
The results weren't surprising. We can't attribute any of the findings to any one person because our samples were a mixture of all of the members who used the facilities on that day. Our samples tested positive for many drugs. Lots of pain-killers, some amphetamines, and even some cocaine. But, overwhelmingly, these samples tested positive for marijuana. You could almost smell the chronic in these samples. So from these test results, The Bat Party has determined our state legislators, and possibly even the governor himself, to be stoned on dope. Oh, and don't shake their hands.
B.P. Special Reporting
