Romney Admits to Using $100 Bills As Toilet Paper

               

     Wealthy presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted to reporters he wipes his rear with one-hundred dollar bills.  The candidate doesn't see anything wrong with the practice explaining:

     "I know some people can't afford to use $100 bills to wipe their ass and are forced to use $20's or, God forbid, $5 dollar bills.  It will be my goal when elected President to see that every citizen can afford to wipe their asses with Benjamin Franklin." 

     When asked why he uses such large bills for Charmin, he says that is how his family has always wiped their tushes. 

     "It is how I was raised.  My parents taught me and I have taught my children it is acceptable to wipe your derriere with bills of large denominations.  See, I believe in family traditions and family values and I plan to bring the traditions of rich, crazy Mormons to the White House." 

      

B.P. Reporting

Rick Perry: "I Love America So Much I'd Marry It!"

     At a campaign rally on Tuesday, presidential hopeful Rick Perry exclaimed that he loved America so much he'd marry it.  This elicited many questions from the reporters covering the event, including questions from our very own Bat Party correspondent who was in attendance:

Bat Party Reporter:  But you are already married, are you saying you'd take another wife, like a bigamist?
Gov. Rick Perry:  No, no that's not what I meant.  I meant to say I want to be really good friends with    America.
Bat Party Reporter:  So you want America to be your mistress?
Gov. Rick Perry:  I don't want America to be my mistress for crying out loud!  Who the hell are you anyway?
Fox News Reporter:  Don't apologize Governor, I'd dump my wife in a heartbeat if I could marry America.
Bat Party Reporter:  Would you and your wife have a threesome with America?
Gov. Rick Perry:  My wife does what I tell her to do, uh, wait a minute.  This is getting off topic.  Does somebody have something fried on a stick I can eat in front of the cameras?
Bat Party Reporter:  When do you plan on consummating your relationship with America?
Gov. Rick Perry:   Just as soon as I'm elected president.  This conversations over.  I'm gonna go kiss some babies.

B.P. Reporting from the campaign trail

Beavis Scores Higher than Sarah Palin on IQ Test

  

  Researchers at the High IQ Institute (HIQI) have determined Beavis, one of the cartoon stars of MTV's "Beavis and Butthead," has a larger IQ than former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.  Analysts at the institute, all of whom have IQ's of Professor and above, claim they have perfected a technique which allows the intelligent quotients of fictional characters to be compared with actual people.  Bat Party interviewed Professor Diehl of HIQI about this latest finding:

Bat Party:  So, Professor, how does this technique work?
Professor Diehl:  We compare things the cartoon characters say and the validity of their statements and compare them with things actual people say.  In this case we compared Beavis's assertion that a turd can be painted and Palin's claim dinosaurs walked the Earth 4,000 years ago.  What Beavis suggested is actually possible, and obviously Mrs. Palin was way off with her claim.  There were many other instances in which Beavis was factual in what he said and Sarah Palin just sounded cuckoo in the things she said.
Bat Party:  So with these comparisons you've determined Beavis is more intelligent than Sarah Palin?
Professor Diehl:  You betcha!
Bat Party:  Have you done any other comparisons?
Professor Diehl:  Why, yes we have.  We have found Texas Governor Rick Perry has an IQ identical to that of Yosemite Sam.  Also, Rick Santorum scores lower on the IQ scale than Elmer Fudd.
Bat Party:  Thank you for your time Professor.
Professor Diehl:  Right back at ya'.

B.P Reporting

Obama Loses Bedtime Debate With Youngest Daughter Sasha

     Tensions were high at the White House Saturday night when 10-year old Sasha refused to go to bed at her required bedtime.  The president was insistent but the stubborn little girl would not budge.  Apparently, Sasha was watching T.V. in the living room and wanted to finish the movie she was watching.
     "Sasha you know this is my relaxing room.  After working for the American people all day this is where I like to reside.  If you don't go to bed now it could cost me my residency." the President reportedly said.
When the youngest daughter still refused the President said, "I'm going to your mother with this!" then stormed out of the room.
     The First Lady, Michelle Obama, was able to put an end to the stalemate by brokering a compromise between the two parties.  Sasha was allowed to stay in the living room watching T.V. for two extra hours, while the President got to serve her cookies and milk.

S.E.T.I. Receives First Ever Message from Space: "Don't Elect Rick Perry!"

The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute announced it has received the first known message from an intelligent alien species.  The message reads "DON'T ELECT RICK PERRY!"  The message came in the form of a mathematical code.  Researchers at S.E.T.I. were surprised at the vehemence of the alien's dispatch. "We didn't know algorithmic messages could be so angry." the scientists said.

Jodie Foster, one of S.E.T.I.'s donors, had this to say after seeing the message:  "Man, whoever sent this message really doesn't like Rick Perry.  I think they want to eat his liver with fava beans, followed by a nice Chianti, or whatever passes for wine in their world."

Rick Perry had this to say after hearing of the alien correspondence:  "I don't think E.T. is a registered voter, so I don't care what he thinks."

"I answer to only one man, and that is the man upstairs." said the presidential hopeful while glancing upward and pointing his index finger to the sky.

B.P Reporting

Rapture Occurs! Evangelical Christians Left Behind

                                

     Millions of people throughout the world disappeared yesterday in what is believed to be the Rapture.  Ironically, no Evangelical Christians were taken.

     "I don't understand it." said one Bible-thumper.  "We ostracized people we were supposed to ostracize, we vilified people we were supposed to vilify, hell we burned witches for crying out loud.  What do we have to do to get recognized by this guy."

     The Pope (he didn't get taken either) issued a statement saying Evangelicals need to step up their harassment of non-Christians.  "We need to assassinate more abortion providers and beat up more homosexuals.  The Lord has sent us a message telling us we haven't terrorized enough non-believers."  said the Pope.

     Normal people were disappointed at the news Christians were still among us.  "They're still here!  Goddammit!" said one man on the street.

     In related news, the Progressive Caucus was unable to convene today.  None of their members could be found.

Michele Bachmann urges moratorium on chimp research

After watching "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," Michele Bachmann urged the research community to stop experimenting with chimpanzees.  Fearing a race of "super chimps" she implored researchers to stop doing tests on the primates that might make them smarter.

"Didn't we learn anything from the King Kong debacle?" she reportedly said. "We lost many brave Air Force pilots on that day in New York.  Liberals will never learn the consequences of putting a monkey in a position of power."

When informed of the fact that these are just movies, Mrs. Bachmann, a Bible-thumping Christian, says she is used to believing in things that appear to be unreal.

Her husband, however, disagrees saying he thinks chimpanzees are sooo cute.

B.P. Reporting