Hundreds of Bankers Killed in Explosion. Worldwide Celebrations Ensue

                             

  A mysterious explosion at a banking convention in Switzerland killed hundreds of bankers on Thursday.  This prompted spontaneous celebrations throughout the world.  From the United States to the U.K., people thronged the streets on this joyous occasion.
     "I believe this proves God exists," said one reveler "it's like when Jesus went into the temple and overturned the tables of the money changers."
     Authorities are not going to investigate.  As one Scotland Yard investigator put it: "It could have been a gas main explosion or an intentional act.  Who cares, the world is a much better place without these bankers."
     Surprisingly, stock markets soared with the surge in consumer confidence, prompting one financial analyst to quip, "I guess dead bankers equals a stronger Dow.  Hopefully, this will be a trend."

Bat Party Reporting

Bat Party Investigation: Florida Legislators on Dope

      Florida's lawmakers have passed laws requiring welfare recipients and state workers to take drug tests.  The only state workers exempt from having to take these tests are, you guessed it, the lawmakers themselves.  The Bat Party decided to take investigative steps to right this glaring inconsistency.  We sent one of our investigative reporters to the Florida Capitol Building to see if we could get urine samples from the lawmakers.

     Our investigator went early in the morning, before our representatives reported for work, to the state capitol.  He then made an inspection of  the bathroom located outside the Republican member's meeting chambers.  He found the toilets to be clean, and the soap dispenser full. 

     Throughout the day our investigator observed many Republican lawmakers enter and exit this bathroom.  Even our governor Rick Scott was witnessed entering the facilities.  It was at the end of the day that our investigator embarked on the next phase of his investigation.  He again entered the bathroom and found the toilets to be unflushed.  The inability of the Republicans to flush the commode worked to our advantage as the investigator was able to obtain samples for drug testing.  Also, the soap dispenser was still full so they are also too lazy to wash their hands.

     The results weren't surprising.  We can't attribute any of the findings to any one person because our samples were a mixture of all of the members who used the facilities on that day.  Our samples tested positive for many drugs.  Lots of pain-killers, some amphetamines, and even some cocaine.  But, overwhelmingly, these samples tested positive for marijuana.  You could almost smell the chronic in these samples.  So from these test results, The Bat Party has determined our state legislators, and possibly even the governor himself, to be stoned on dope.  Oh, and don't shake their hands.

B.P. Special Reporting    

    

"OL' Blue." By Rick Perry

     "When I was a boy, I had a dog.  A huntin' dog, a coon huntin' dog to be exact.  He could sniff a coon even if it was 200 yards away.  His name was Ol' Blue and he was the best huntin' dog I ever seen.

     I spent alot of time with Ol' Blue when I was a child.  I considered him my best friend.  He was with me through my formative years and even when I was in my early teens.  It was around this time that Ol' Blue began to change.  He was gettin' old.

     Ol' Blue couldn't hunt anymore because he had bad hips and it hurt him to run.  Heck. it hurt him to walk.  His eyesight was so bad he couldn't see a coon if it was right in front of him.  He couldn't even smell very good anymore.  Things just kept getting worse with Ol' Blue until he couldn't even take care of himself.  He wasn't much good for anyone, even himself, so I made the decision to have him put down.

     Decisions like this are hard.  But, sometimes, they are for the best.  When something or someone have outlived their usefulness, they need to be put down.  In the end, it is better for all of us."

                                                                 

Republicans Pitch Jobs Plan: "Put Americans to Work Building Shanty Towns."

     The Republican Party have come out with what they call a two-for-one deal.  They pledge to not only put Americans back to work but also provide them with housing. 
     "Shack building will provide millions of jobs for out of work Americans." says House Speaker John Boehner.  "And then the poor bastards can live in them."
     When asked why Americans would want to live in such places Speaker Boehner had this to say:  "With the policies we Republicans hope to implement, the working and middle-classes will be decimated.  At least we are providing them with a place to stay."
     Fat-ass Rush Limbaugh says that once again the Republicans have proven they are the party of the people.  "We're giving them a place to stay for Christ's sake!  That's more than the Democrats have offered."
     Congressional Democrats could only shake their heads in disbelief.

Bat Party Reporting
                                                                             

Romney Admits to Using $100 Bills As Toilet Paper

               

     Wealthy presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted to reporters he wipes his rear with one-hundred dollar bills.  The candidate doesn't see anything wrong with the practice explaining:

     "I know some people can't afford to use $100 bills to wipe their ass and are forced to use $20's or, God forbid, $5 dollar bills.  It will be my goal when elected President to see that every citizen can afford to wipe their asses with Benjamin Franklin." 

     When asked why he uses such large bills for Charmin, he says that is how his family has always wiped their tushes. 

     "It is how I was raised.  My parents taught me and I have taught my children it is acceptable to wipe your derriere with bills of large denominations.  See, I believe in family traditions and family values and I plan to bring the traditions of rich, crazy Mormons to the White House." 

      

B.P. Reporting

Rick Perry: "I Love America So Much I'd Marry It!"

     At a campaign rally on Tuesday, presidential hopeful Rick Perry exclaimed that he loved America so much he'd marry it.  This elicited many questions from the reporters covering the event, including questions from our very own Bat Party correspondent who was in attendance:

Bat Party Reporter:  But you are already married, are you saying you'd take another wife, like a bigamist?
Gov. Rick Perry:  No, no that's not what I meant.  I meant to say I want to be really good friends with    America.
Bat Party Reporter:  So you want America to be your mistress?
Gov. Rick Perry:  I don't want America to be my mistress for crying out loud!  Who the hell are you anyway?
Fox News Reporter:  Don't apologize Governor, I'd dump my wife in a heartbeat if I could marry America.
Bat Party Reporter:  Would you and your wife have a threesome with America?
Gov. Rick Perry:  My wife does what I tell her to do, uh, wait a minute.  This is getting off topic.  Does somebody have something fried on a stick I can eat in front of the cameras?
Bat Party Reporter:  When do you plan on consummating your relationship with America?
Gov. Rick Perry:   Just as soon as I'm elected president.  This conversations over.  I'm gonna go kiss some babies.

B.P. Reporting from the campaign trail

Beavis Scores Higher than Sarah Palin on IQ Test

  

  Researchers at the High IQ Institute (HIQI) have determined Beavis, one of the cartoon stars of MTV's "Beavis and Butthead," has a larger IQ than former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.  Analysts at the institute, all of whom have IQ's of Professor and above, claim they have perfected a technique which allows the intelligent quotients of fictional characters to be compared with actual people.  Bat Party interviewed Professor Diehl of HIQI about this latest finding:

Bat Party:  So, Professor, how does this technique work?
Professor Diehl:  We compare things the cartoon characters say and the validity of their statements and compare them with things actual people say.  In this case we compared Beavis's assertion that a turd can be painted and Palin's claim dinosaurs walked the Earth 4,000 years ago.  What Beavis suggested is actually possible, and obviously Mrs. Palin was way off with her claim.  There were many other instances in which Beavis was factual in what he said and Sarah Palin just sounded cuckoo in the things she said.
Bat Party:  So with these comparisons you've determined Beavis is more intelligent than Sarah Palin?
Professor Diehl:  You betcha!
Bat Party:  Have you done any other comparisons?
Professor Diehl:  Why, yes we have.  We have found Texas Governor Rick Perry has an IQ identical to that of Yosemite Sam.  Also, Rick Santorum scores lower on the IQ scale than Elmer Fudd.
Bat Party:  Thank you for your time Professor.
Professor Diehl:  Right back at ya'.

B.P Reporting

Obama Loses Bedtime Debate With Youngest Daughter Sasha

     Tensions were high at the White House Saturday night when 10-year old Sasha refused to go to bed at her required bedtime.  The president was insistent but the stubborn little girl would not budge.  Apparently, Sasha was watching T.V. in the living room and wanted to finish the movie she was watching.
     "Sasha you know this is my relaxing room.  After working for the American people all day this is where I like to reside.  If you don't go to bed now it could cost me my residency." the President reportedly said.
When the youngest daughter still refused the President said, "I'm going to your mother with this!" then stormed out of the room.
     The First Lady, Michelle Obama, was able to put an end to the stalemate by brokering a compromise between the two parties.  Sasha was allowed to stay in the living room watching T.V. for two extra hours, while the President got to serve her cookies and milk.

S.E.T.I. Receives First Ever Message from Space: "Don't Elect Rick Perry!"

The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute announced it has received the first known message from an intelligent alien species.  The message reads "DON'T ELECT RICK PERRY!"  The message came in the form of a mathematical code.  Researchers at S.E.T.I. were surprised at the vehemence of the alien's dispatch. "We didn't know algorithmic messages could be so angry." the scientists said.

Jodie Foster, one of S.E.T.I.'s donors, had this to say after seeing the message:  "Man, whoever sent this message really doesn't like Rick Perry.  I think they want to eat his liver with fava beans, followed by a nice Chianti, or whatever passes for wine in their world."

Rick Perry had this to say after hearing of the alien correspondence:  "I don't think E.T. is a registered voter, so I don't care what he thinks."

"I answer to only one man, and that is the man upstairs." said the presidential hopeful while glancing upward and pointing his index finger to the sky.

B.P Reporting

Rapture Occurs! Evangelical Christians Left Behind

                                

     Millions of people throughout the world disappeared yesterday in what is believed to be the Rapture.  Ironically, no Evangelical Christians were taken.

     "I don't understand it." said one Bible-thumper.  "We ostracized people we were supposed to ostracize, we vilified people we were supposed to vilify, hell we burned witches for crying out loud.  What do we have to do to get recognized by this guy."

     The Pope (he didn't get taken either) issued a statement saying Evangelicals need to step up their harassment of non-Christians.  "We need to assassinate more abortion providers and beat up more homosexuals.  The Lord has sent us a message telling us we haven't terrorized enough non-believers."  said the Pope.

     Normal people were disappointed at the news Christians were still among us.  "They're still here!  Goddammit!" said one man on the street.

     In related news, the Progressive Caucus was unable to convene today.  None of their members could be found.

Michele Bachmann urges moratorium on chimp research

After watching "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," Michele Bachmann urged the research community to stop experimenting with chimpanzees.  Fearing a race of "super chimps" she implored researchers to stop doing tests on the primates that might make them smarter.

"Didn't we learn anything from the King Kong debacle?" she reportedly said. "We lost many brave Air Force pilots on that day in New York.  Liberals will never learn the consequences of putting a monkey in a position of power."

When informed of the fact that these are just movies, Mrs. Bachmann, a Bible-thumping Christian, says she is used to believing in things that appear to be unreal.

Her husband, however, disagrees saying he thinks chimpanzees are sooo cute.

B.P. Reporting